Who are the real ‘Order of Assassins’ depicted in the new must-watch TV series ‘Al-Hashasheen’?

Special Who are the real ‘Order of Assassins’ depicted in the new must-watch TV series ‘Al-Hashasheen’?
1 / 4
The drama has further embellished the legends surrounding ‘The Assassins’ and their legacy. (Getty Images)
Short Url
Updated 22 March 2024
Follow

Who are the real ‘Order of Assassins’ depicted in the new must-watch TV series ‘Al-Hashasheen’?

Who are the real ‘Order of Assassins’ depicted in the new must-watch TV series ‘Al-Hashasheen’?
  • Ramadan television series sheds light on iconic culture made famous by video game Assassin’s Creed
  • Modern Nizari Ismailis ‘hate’ the misrepresented reputation of their forebears, says Islamic scholar

LONDON: The sweeping period drama “Al-Hashasheen” — or “The Assassins” — is certain to be one of the big hits of the Ramadan TV season.

For many younger viewers, the story of the martial order founded by an enigmatic religious leader in 11th-century Iran will be familiar only through the distorting lens of the smash-hit video game franchise “Assassin’s Creed” — now available for the first time in a virtual-reality version compatible with Meta’s Quest headsets.

“Al-Hashasheen,” starring Karim Abdel Aziz, Fathy Abdel Wahab and Nicolas Mouawad, brings a somewhat more realistic version of the story to a wider audience as families across the region gather for traditional post-iftar TV viewing.




The drama has further embellished the legends surrounding ‘The Assassins’ and their legacy. (Supplied)

But neither the TV series nor the long-running video game franchise do justice to the true story of the Nizari Ismaili sect, the original “assassins,” according to an Iranian-British Islamic scholar.

Many of the myths and legends surrounding the Nizaris “are rooted in the imaginative ignorance of the Crusaders and their Western chroniclers who came to the Holy Land and conquered Jerusalem in 1099,” Farhad Daftary, a governor and director emeritus of the London-based Institute of Ismaili Studies, told Arab News.

The very word “assassin,” coined first by the Crusaders who encountered the Nizaris in Syria, derives from an etymological misunderstanding.

“At the time, the Nizaris, who were Shiite, had enemies among Sunni Muslims, who referred to them as hashshashin, which, if you take its literal meaning, means somebody who uses opium,” said Daftary.

“But it was not in that sense that the term was applied to the Nizari Ismailis of Syria. It was a term of abuse, meaning a people of low morality, people with no social standing. The term was picked up by the Crusaders and interpreted literally.”




Hashshashin, which evolved into "assassin" in the European languages of the Crusader armies, literally means somebody "who uses opium.”  (Supplied)

In the European languages of the Crusader armies, “hashshashin” evolved into “assassin,” a word that nevertheless was associated with one of the many myths about the group — that their leader used opium to drug young men into becoming killing machines.

To understand the true story of the assassins, said Daftary, it is necessary to know something of the political and religious landscape of the 11th century.

At its root was the historic split between Sunni and Shiite Muslims, which dates back to the death of the Prophet Muhammad in 632 and centers on the issue of succession. The Shiites believe that the Prophet Muhammad appointed a successor — his cousin and son-in-law Ali ibn Abi Talib — while the Sunnis hold that he did not.

The situation grew even more complex after the death of the sixth Shiite Imam, Jafar Al-Sadiq, in 765, by which time Ali’s descendants had become so numerous that the Shiites could not agree among themselves who was the rightful leader.




Many of the legends surrounding the Nizaris are rooted in the imaginative ignorance of the Crusaders and their Western chroniclers, says Farhad Daftary, governor and director emeritus of the Institute of Ismaili Studies. (Supplied)

The subsequent split created two main Shiite groups. The largest was Twelver Shi’ism, whose members believe that the line of rightful succession ended with the concealment, or occultation, of the 12th imam, Al-Mahdi, whose reappearance is still anticipated by his followers.

The other was the Ismailis, whose name derives from their recognition of Ismail ibn Jafar, the eldest son of Jafar Al-Sadiq, as his rightful spiritual successor.

But even within Ismailism a further split loomed, triggered by the death in 1094 of the 18th Ismaili Imam, who was also the eighth caliph of the Cairo-based Fatimid empire.

“When he died,” said Daftary, “his succession was disputed by two of his sons, Nizar, who was the original heir-designate, and his younger brother, who was actually installed on the Fatimid throne. So, it was on the basis of this succession dispute that the previously unified Ismaili community split into Nizari and Musta’lian factions.”

It was then that the historic figure of Hassan i-Sabbah, a missionary, or dia, working for the Fatimids in Iran, steps into the story.




Painting depicting Hasan ibn Sabbah, a prominent Ismaili leader considered as founder of the Nizari state. (Shutterstock)

At the time, much of what is today Iran was under the control of the Seljuk Turks, and Hassan began plotting a revolution against the unpopular Sunni regime.

As a result, “Hassan, who championed the cause of Nizar in Iran and severed his relations with Cairo and the Fatimid regime, which had lent its support to Nizar’s younger brother, was the founder of the Nizari Ismaili state and community.”

Daftary said it is true that Hassan instituted a policy of assassinations, but the modern characterization of the Nizaris as the original terrorists is misplaced.

Hassan, who seized and established his base in Alamut Castle in Persia’s mountainous north in 1090, “was confronting a very powerful military adversary in the Seljuks. He could not confront them in battle because he could not raise an army to match.”




A view of the Alamut Castle in the mountainous Qazvin region of Iran, which is currently being restored. (Shutterstock)

Instead, he set about destabilizing the decentralized Seljuk authority by targeting key ruling figures, “locality by locality, emir by emir.”

This did not, however, make the Nizaris the precursors of today’s terrorists, said Daftary.

“They had nothing in common with modern terrorists. Their causes were not the same, their means were not the same and their motives and their practices were not the same.

“These assassinations were highly selected and targeted; they were not acts of terror, killing innocent people.”

Besides, “they were not the inventors of assassination, which was practiced at the time by the Seljuks themselves and the Crusaders. But there were highly exaggerated reports and rumors, to the effect that almost every assassination of any major significance in the region was attributed to these people.”

In fact, contemporary records kept by the Nizaris show that during the 34 years of Hassan’s reign, fewer than 50 assassinations were carried out by the group.




Painting depicting the Siege of Alamut by the Mongols in 1256. (Wikimedia Commons: by Tarikh-i Jahangushay-i Juvaini)

The capture of Alamut Castle in 1090 is recognized by historians as the founding moment of the Nizari Ismaili state, based on a series of strongholds strung across Persia and the Levant, which would hold out against all foes, from Islamic rivals to the Christian Crusaders, for 183 years. The state was finally swept away by the Mongols in about 1256.

It was in the Levant that the Crusaders first encountered the Nizaris during the opening decade of the 12th century. Today, the ruins of the group’s main stronghold there, Masyaf Castle, still stand on the edge of the Syrian town of the same name.




Old stone castle Masyaf on the hill, in Masyaf, Syria

Here, between 1162 and 1193, ruled Rashid ad-Din Sinan, lord of the Nizari Ismaili state in Syria, who was immortalized by the Venetian explorer Marco Polo as “The Old Man of the Mountain.”

Polo’s writings repeated and embellished many of the legends surrounding the assassins, said Daftary. These included the supposed existence of “a secret Garden of Paradise, in which the mischievous leader of this group would give hashish to these would-be assassins, who would find themselves surrounded by all the pleasures promised to them in Paradise.




Rashid ad-Din Sinan. (Wikimedia Commons)

“Once they’d become sufficiently addicted to these bodily pleasures, they were given a dagger and sent to kill, and told: ‘If you succeed you will go back to the Garden of Paradise, and if you die, your soul will go to Paradise anyway’.”

The Crusaders “couldn’t understand the self-sacrifice of these people. So, to come up with explanations that would provide logical reasons for a type of behavior which otherwise seemed irrational or crazy to them, they began to fabricate these tales, which, by the way, we do not find in contemporary Muslim sources, even though they were perhaps even more hostile towards the Ismailis than the Crusaders were.”

Today, Nizari Ismailis number about 15 million, with communities all over the world, the largest of them in Afghanistan, Pakistan, India and Syria, but also in Iran, eastern Africa, the UAE, North America, the UK and several European countries.

Modern Nizari Ismailis “hate” the misrepresented reputation of their forebears, said Daftary, “because they are peaceful, progressive people.”




In this photo taken on March 8, 2018, Britain's Queen Elizabeth II (L) poses with Prince Karim Aga Khan IV (R) at Windsor Castle during a private dinner she hosted in honor of the diamond jubilee of Khan's leadership as Imam of the Shia Nizari Ismaili Muslim Community. (Photo by Dominic Lipinski/POOL/AFP)

The current and 49th imam of the Nizari Ismaili Shiites is His Highness Aga Khan IV, who established the Institute of Ismaili Studies in 1977. The IIS, which has the largest faculty of Islamic studies of any academic institution in the UK, holds the world’s largest collection of original Nizari texts, available in translation to scholars in Persian, Arabic and English.

Daftary does not, he said, want to ruin anyone’s enjoyment of the TV series “Al-Hashasheen” over Ramadan.

“Just remember, most of these stories from the Orient were told by returning Crusaders as they sat by their fireplaces in Europe. So, as long as they are treated as only tales that have nothing to do with the actual history of this community and the practices of this group, then that’s fine.”

 


Two jailed for 18 years over tower block collapse in Turkiye quake

Updated 6 sec ago
Follow

Two jailed for 18 years over tower block collapse in Turkiye quake

Two jailed for 18 years over tower block collapse in Turkiye quake
There were 22 such blocks in the complex, nearly all of which collapsed when the first 7.8-magnitude tremor struck before dawn on Feb. 6, 2023, killing 1,400 people
Wednesday’s verdict related to the collapse of Block B where 115 people died

ISTANBUL: Two senior figures involved in the construction of a part a huge Turkish residential complex that collapsed in the 2022 earthquake have been jailed for more than 18 years, local media reported Wednesday.
The case concerned an eight-story tower block at the Ebrar complex in the southeastern city of Kahramanmaras, Türkiye’s private NTV broadcaster said.
There were 22 such blocks in the complex, nearly all of which collapsed when the first 7.8-magnitude tremor struck before dawn on Feb. 6, 2023, killing 1,400 people.
Wednesday’s verdict related to the collapse of Block B where 115 people died, NTV said, with the judge handing senior contractor Tevfik Tepebasi and Atilla Oz, head of the cooperative that built the block, 18 years and eight months each for “causing death and injury through conscious negligence.”
There were four other defendants in the case, three of whom were acquitted for lack of evidence, while the fourth was being tried in absentia, NTV said.
Tepebasi — who was jailed shortly after the quake and is being prosecuted in several other quake-related cases — caused an uproar at one hearing a year ago when he told the court he should not be charged with a crime because: “I don’t know anything about construction.”
Quoted by NTV, several of the victims’ families said they were not satisfied with the sentences and the fact that three defendants were acquitted, saying they would appeal.
The earthquake killed more than 53,500 people in Turkiye and nearly 6,000 in neighboring Syria. It also razed 39,000 buildings and left another 200,000 severely damaged, leaving nearly two million people homeless.
President Recep Tayyip Erdogan pointed the finger at negligent building contractors, accusing them of cutting corners by using cheap concrete and ignoring basic construction standards, with more than 200 contractors and developers arrested in the immediate aftermath of the quake.
But there have been few, if any, investigations into the public officials who signed off on building permits and safety inspections, which can only be opened with the interior ministry’s permission.

Israel hostage forum says news of Bibas family deaths ‘heart-shattering’

Israel hostage forum says news of Bibas family deaths ‘heart-shattering’
Updated 10 min 26 sec ago
Follow

Israel hostage forum says news of Bibas family deaths ‘heart-shattering’

Israel hostage forum says news of Bibas family deaths ‘heart-shattering’
  • Israeli authorities have confirmed that the remains of four hostages are due to be returned Thursday, though they have not officially identified them

JERUSALEM: An Israeli group campaigning for the release of hostages held in Gaza said it had received the “heart-shattering” news of the deaths of three members of the Bibas family whose bodies Hamas said it would hand over on Thursday.
“We received the heart-shattering news that Shiri Bibas, her children Ariel and Kfir, and Oded Lifshitz are no longer with us,” the Hostages and Missing Families Forum said in a statement Wednesday, also naming the fourth hostage declared dead.
“This news cuts like a knife through our hearts, the families’ hearts and the hearts of people all over the world.”
On Tuesday, Hamas said it would hand over the bodies of four hostages, including the three Bibas family members, as part of the ongoing first phase of a ceasefire deal in Gaza.
While their deaths are largely accepted as fact abroad after Hamas said they were killed in an Israeli air strike early in the war, Israel has never confirmed the claim.
Yarden Bibas, the boys’ father and Shiri’s husband, was abducted separately on October 7, 2023 and was released from Gaza in a previous hostage-prisoner exchange on February 1.
Israeli authorities have confirmed that the remains of four hostages are due to be returned Thursday, though they have not officially identified them.


How Beirut’s international airport became the latest flashpoint in Israel-Iran tensions

How Beirut’s international airport became the latest flashpoint in Israel-Iran tensions
Updated 33 min ago
Follow

How Beirut’s international airport became the latest flashpoint in Israel-Iran tensions

How Beirut’s international airport became the latest flashpoint in Israel-Iran tensions
  • Lebanon’s move to block Iranian flights sparks pro-Hezbollah protests as US and Israel push to curb the group’s funding
  • Analysts warn that escalating tensions could reignite war with Israel, with Hezbollah risking more than it can afford

LONDON: Just weeks after Lebanon formed its first government in more than two years, offering the crisis-wracked country a glimmer of hope, a decision to block commercial flights between Beirut and Tehran threatens renewed instability.

On Feb. 13, Lebanon blocked an Iranian plane from landing at Rafic Hariri International Airport after Israel accused Iran’s Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps of using civilian commercial flights to smuggle funding to Hezbollah.

Tehran quickly retaliated by blocking Lebanese flights.

The timing of the spat makes it especially noxious. Lebanon is expected to receive tens of thousands of visitors on Sunday for the funeral of Hezbollah’s late chief, Hassan Nasrallah, who was killed in an Israeli airstrike on Sept. 27.

Lebanon’s ban on Iranian flights sparked protests among Hezbollah supporters, who blocked the road to the airport, clashed with the Lebanese army, and even attacked a convoy carrying UN peacekeepers, torching a vehicle and injuring two.

Makram Rabah, an assistant professor at the American University of Beirut, believes the new Lebanese government’s decision to block Iranian flights goes beyond efforts to combat the smuggling of illicit funds.

“I genuinely believe that this is not only a matter of smuggling money, which the Iranian Revolutionary Guard is trying to do — there are also weapons involved,” he told Arab News.

“The Lebanese authorities have been urged by the international community, particularly the US, to take a firm stand on this.”

Iranian flights landing in Beirut were already subject to strict inspections, which have also been extended to flights arriving from Iraq to help prevent illicit funds from reaching Hezbollah via Iran’s neighbor, the Asharq Al-Awsat newspaper reported.

Earlier this month, Iraqi Airways canceled a scheduled flight from Baghdad, with Beirut airport sources citing either a protest against the heightened security measures or logistical issues.

The decision came after an Iranian carrier underwent rigorous security checks at Beirut airport last month over suspicions it was transporting funds destined for Hezbollah.

The measures “are necessary given the recent war in Lebanon and Lebanon’s commitment to security protocols agreed upon with the US,” which helped broker the Nov. 27 ceasefire between Israel and Hezbollah, an airport security source told Asharq Al-Awsat.

These are “preventative measures” designed to stop Lebanon’s only international airport from becoming a potential target of Israeli attacks, the source added.

Measures such as these might also be a reflection of the new political realities in Lebanon since Hezbollah’s drubbing by Israel in their year-long conflict, which saw the militia’s leadership gutted and its once formidable arsenal greatly depleted.

Yeghia Tashjian, regional and international affairs cluster coordinator at the Issam Fares Institute for Public Policy and International Affairs at the American University of Beirut, believes Lebanon has “entered a new era” since the ceasefire.

“Unfortunately, few people are aware of the consequences and the steps that would have come after the signing of the Nov. 27 ceasefire agreement,” Tashjian told Arab News.

“Lebanon has entered a new era where the government is under immense pressure from the US and Israel. There is a feeling that the reconstruction and the Western aid will be conditioned with reforms and the full implementation of Resolution 1701.”

The US-brokered ceasefire demanded the implementation of UN Security Council Resolution 1701, which was adopted to end the 2006 war between Israel and Hezbollah. It called for Hezbollah to move north of the Litani River and for the Lebanese army and UN peacekeepers to deploy in the south.

The Nov. 27 deal also required Israeli troops to withdraw from Lebanon within 60 days. However, many remain in border towns. Moreover, the Armed Conflict Location and Event Data Project recorded 330 airstrikes and shelling incidents by Israel between Nov. 27 and Jan. 10.

Resolution 1701 had maintained relative peace in the region until the Hamas-led Oct. 7, 2023, attack on southern Israel triggered the war in Gaza. In support of its Hamas allies, Hezbollah began firing rockets into northern Israel, igniting cross-border clashes that soon escalated.

Over the course of the conflict, Israel told Iranian and Iraqi airlines not to land in Beirut, as they were suspected of transporting funds and weapons to Hezbollah. These airlines initially compiled but resumed flights after the Nov. 27 ceasefire.

However, following a warning last week from the US that Israel might shoot down Iranian commercial carriers entering Lebanese airspace, Beirut banned two Mahan Air flights, Lebanese security officials told the AFP news agency.

File photo showing a Mahan Air flight at the airport in Kabul on September 15, 2021. (AFP)

Tehran condemned the Israeli threats as a “violation of international law” and on Feb. 14 called on the International Civil Aviation Organization to “stop Israel’s dangerous behavior against the safety and security of civil aviation.”

Despite calls from Hezbollah and Iran to reverse the ban, Lebanese authorities on Monday took the measures a step further, indefinitely extending the suspension of flights to and from Iran, which was originally set to be lifted on Feb. 18, citing Israeli threats to bomb Beirut airport.

Tashjian of the Issam Fares Institute believes the ban should be viewed in the broader context of the effort to dismantle Hezbollah and other non-state armed groups in Lebanon.

“The implementation of 1701 does not only address the area south of the Litani River as many think,” he said. “Reading the new agreement carefully, especially the first paragraph, it is clear that any kind of unauthorized force has to be dismantled.

“It is within this context that pressure on Hezbollah is growing. In the coming weeks, we may see additional pressure mainly on micro-finance enterprises affiliated with Hezbollah.”

Lebanese academic and analyst Rabah says the new government in Beirut “needs to clean up its act and be more aggressive in defending its sovereignty.

“The airport issue and its entanglement in the regional power struggle is just one phase,” he said, adding that “there will be other ways to challenge Hezbollah, and Hezbollah will definitely hit back by challenging the state.

“This is a matter of Hezbollah as well as (Parliament Speaker) Nabih Berri and Haraket Amal (the Amal Movement) recognizing that their weapons are no longer an option — and this is basically one of the most difficult challenges.”

However, this shift is unlikely to happen immediately, says Firas Modad, a Middle East analyst and founder of Modad Geopolitics.

“Hezbollah and its partners are seeking to show that they still retain significant domestic power and are acting to prevent any talk of the group disarming,” Modad told Arab News.

“They have used the Beirut airport, an international and very serious pressure point, to do so. Their excuse is that Lebanon has banned Iranian flights due to Israeli threats.

“However, it is worth noting that flights were banned even when Hezbollah itself controlled Lebanon’s Public Works and Transport Ministry.”

This photo taken on July 29, 2024, shows passengers looking at schedule flights screen at Beirut's Rafic Hariri International Airport after their flights were delayed or cancelled amid fighting between Hezbollah and Israeli forces. (AFP)

He added: “Iran and Hezbollah seem to have decided to pressure the new Lebanese authorities early on to ensure that the Shiites are not politically excluded.

“This is odd since the Shiite parties (Hezbollah and Amal) both got to choose ministers in the same way as all the other parties (were) represented in the new cabinet.”

While Lebanon’s new cabinet may appear to have sidelined Hezbollah, the group and its ally Amal, led by Berri, were allowed to name four of the 24 ministers, including Finance Minister Yassin Jaber — one of the government’s most coveted positions.

This came after Washington’s Deputy Middle East Envoy Morgan Ortagus said on Feb. 7, after meeting with President Joseph Aoun, that the US rejected the idea of Hezbollah participating in Lebanon’s government.

Modad believes “it is very likely that Lebanon will remain under severe international pressure and Israeli threats to stop Hezbollah from refinancing, funding reconstruction, and rearming.

“Hezbollah does not have the ability to confront Israel or the West in order to prevent this,” he added. “It is therefore targeting the weakest link, which is its domestic partners and rivals in Lebanon.”

Describing the tactic as “extremely reckless,” Modad said: “Hezbollah knows that it is risking a three-front war, against its domestic rivals, Israel, and Syrian jihadi militias.”

He added: “The rhetoric Hezbollah uses to justify its actions is that it is the state’s responsibility to both rebuild Lebanon and to confront Israel.

“Hezbollah knows full well that the Lebanese state has no such capability — neither to fund reconstruction nor to challenge Israel militarily. And if Israel attacks the airport, this could restart the war and lead to even greater damage.

“Simply, Hezbollah is risking an escalation that it cannot afford. It is wounded and therefore keen to show that it remains strong. This may bring about uncalculated conflicts that severely damage Lebanon — and Hezbollah.”

Echoing Modad’s view, Tashjian of the Issam Fares Institute said Lebanon is in no position to resist US demands.

“Lebanon’s resources, especially after the suicidal war, are limited,” he said. “Beirut therefore cannot resist any US pressure, especially given the regional changes and Iran’s reluctance to support its non-state allies.”

Lebanon, still suffering from a debilitating financial crisis that has gripped the country since 2019, was already crippled by years of economic decline, political paralysis, and other crises before Hezbollah’s war with Israel.

Moving forward, Tashjian believes “Lebanon needs proactive diplomacy.” This includes implementing Resolution 1701 and engaging with the US, while also working “with the Shiite leadership to ensure these policies do not isolate the community.”

Additionally, he suggests providing alternative solutions to address flight disruptions, such as engaging with Iran to operate flights by Lebanon’s national carrier — Middle East Airlines — or inspecting Iranian flights upon arrival in Beirut.

“A balanced foreign policy is needed to prevent any social and political explosion in Lebanon,” he said.

“Israeli military provocations and ceasefire violations continue, while Hezbollah struggles to grasp the postwar situation and convince its public that the country has entered a new era — one unlike the post-2006 war period.”


 


Iran lawmakers move to sack minister as rial plunges

Iran lawmakers move to sack minister as rial plunges
Updated 39 min 51 sec ago
Follow

Iran lawmakers move to sack minister as rial plunges

Iran lawmakers move to sack minister as rial plunges

TEHRAN: Iran’s parliament on Wednesday received a motion from lawmakers seeking to dismiss Economy Minister Abdolnaser Hemmati amid a sharp decline in the national currency, the rial.

Under Iranian law, Hemmati must appear before the legislature within 10 days to defend his record in a session that could result in his removal.

Ahmad Naderi, a Tehran MP and member of the parliament’s presiding board, said 91 lawmakers had signed the motion.

The move follows closed-door talks between President Masoud Pezeshkian and Hemmati with MPs over the plunging rial, which has lost nearly half its value since Pezeshkian took office in July.

On the black market, the rial is now trading at more than 900,000 to the US dollar, compared with less than 600,000 in mid-2024.

The slide has accelerated since the fall of Syrian president Bashar Assad, a longtime Iranian ally, on Dec. 8.

Decades of US-led sanctions have battered Iran’s economy, with inflation worsening since Washington pulled out of a landmark 2015 nuclear deal in 2018.

US President Donald Trump, who returned to the White House in January, has revived his policy of “maximum pressure” on Iran, further tightening restrictions on the Islamic republic.

Pezeshkian has vowed to seek a return to the nuclear accord and the lifting of sanctions, but diplomatic efforts have so far to make any headway.


Israel says it has received names of deceased hostages to be released from Gaza

Israel says it has received names of deceased hostages to be released from Gaza
Updated 19 February 2025
Follow

Israel says it has received names of deceased hostages to be released from Gaza

Israel says it has received names of deceased hostages to be released from Gaza
  • Netanyahu said: “Tomorrow will be a very difficult day for the state of Israel”

JERUSALEM: Israel has received the list of the deceased hostages who will be released from Gaza on Thursday, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s office said on Wednesday, without naming them, though their families have been informed.
In a separate video statement, Netanyahu said: “Tomorrow will be a very difficult day for the state of Israel. An upsetting day, a day of grief. We bring home four of our beloved hostages, deceased. We embrace the families, and the heart of an entire nation is torn. My heart is torn.”